Relationship Calculator

I had this in my mind a few weeks back.

The cost of being in a relationship is always increasing.

Let me explain.

[I'm writing from a lady's perspective. Of course, it can easily apply to a guy as well. You can write that if you want. But do cite me, since I'm giving you the idea. Bleh.]

A relationship always starts with zero cost. When you are drowning in love, it doesn’t matter if you have to pay for cab fares, movie tickets, presents, pretty dresses.. etc. They don’t seem to cost anything, even though you probably look forward to your pay-check more than anything at the end of a month. No effort spent on quarrelling since love is strictly blind at this point in time.

As a relationship progresses, you realise that he is no longer that perfect after all. His farts really stink, he has bad hygiene practices, he no longer calls you everyday … the list goes on. BUT, you still cherish a small hope, thinking that if you can bear all these nonsense, you will be with him till the end of time, against all odds. That’s love, isn’t it? So romantic. Yeah right. But wait, you start to feel the COST. Cost involved to do ego-boosting activities:  Brain cells to whip up complements (a.k.a big fat lies), a strong heart to take his insults and wrong-doings and the money you need to splurge on shopping in order to make yourself feel better. And oh, at this point in time, he probably is no longer interested in giving you surprises, and Ta Daa! Money and effort is needed spring up surprises for him and, pathetically, for yourself. Did you hear that?? KA CHING!!!

Almost at the same time, assuming that he actually bothers to give you a sense of commitment,  you start to manage his family just so that these efforts can probably land you a ticket to the church one day to say those marital  vows. But before you reach there, things aren’t exactly rosy. Money to get more presents for the birthdays of his mum, dad, brothers, sisters, grandmothers, grandfathers, dogs, cats, birds.. etc. And oh, and there’s Christmas gifts too! More importantly, let’s not forget the effort needed to be remain politically right and to act decent in front of these distant people, as well as the effort required to learn how to cook, sew and sterilize utensils. You probably also have to give up hot dates with handsome and young hunks simply because you know that they will never want to pick up girls with greasy hair, or girls who smell of some antiseptic detergent. That’s a BIG cost, I tell you.

Then throughout the years when you realise that he will rather shout “goal!” in front of a tv for 50,000 times than to shout “please marry me!” for that ONE time in front of you,  you start to manage your own family and your own expectations. When are you getting married? Why is he not marrying you? These naggings will probably damage your ears, or even more importantly, induce psychological stress and emotional fears in you about men, faith, and happiness. You may also start sinking into depression when you realise that those “sweet young things” out there are no longer fierce competition. There isn’t a basis for competition, my dear. You have been defeated even before any comparison started. Traumatized? That’s COST.

And when God is finally kind enough to grant you the wedding you wished for, you realise that marriage, as cliche as it sounds, is indeed the tombstone for romance. It’s no longer “my dear, how’s your day?”, rather, it’ll be “hey, how are the kids doing?”. More importantly, the fats that have been accumulating around your waistline after giving birth to 10 kids ain’t exactly rewarding either. If he’s good to you, he’ll sign up a slimming package for you. If not, of which chances are high, he’ll expect you to lose those weight by doing more household chores. There’s no longer a distinction between a wife and a maid. You are the wife. You are the maid. Wife = Maid. Period. 

I’ve probably missed out a lot more costs, but well, I’m gracious after all to stop listing for now. So let me attempt to provide a balanced viewpoint and move to the benefits of a relationship.

But hold on a minute.. what are the benefits? And how have they changed throughout the years of dating him?

The benefits of being in a relationship is either decreasing or kept at a constant.

Give yourself a pat on your back if you agree with me. These benefits are:

1. Sex - highly definite that it reduces throughout the years: you are no longer fresh and exciting, remember? He can probably draw a detailed and accurate picture of your pussy without carbon/tracing papers.

2. Kisses and hugs - If these really decrease, well, be contented that he’s still fucking you. Let the kisses and hugs go. Sex is more important after all. No?

3. Care and concern - It diminishes at an exponential rate. We all know it when he takes you for granted and vent his frustration on you just because his hot female colleague has been promoted instead of him. And you are supposed to be very understanding, remember?

I am really sorry, but as much as I’m racking my brains, I can’t think of any other benefits.

Now that we have gone through the “pros and cons” analysis, enlighten me please. What’s the point of getting into a relationship when costs clearly outweights the benefits?

And since majority of the human population has been in at least one relationship, or if not, yearns for one, what does it say?

We are sadistic creatures. Aren’t we?