Paper and Pen

Don’t you miss the days where we used to write letters and have pen pal?

When I was clearing my drawer an hour back, I realise I had received quite a stack of letters. I read through every single one and plenty of memories started streaming back into my mind. Those WERE the days. I can never forget the joy of secretly exchanging letters in school and pretending that we are some big stars by trying our best to dodge rumours for BGR.

Yes, we called it BGR then. Now? We call it FB. It used to be mushy letters, and now it’s just a quick text of ‘I need fuck’. See how far we have moved on? 

Letters from ex-es as well as from my so-called ‘suitors’ made me laugh. Phrases like ‘I will love you forever’, ‘I don’t ever want you to leave me’ and ‘I’ll miss you every second’… they don’t mean a shit after cheatings and break-ups happen. On hindsight, of course. Too much empty promises, too much sweet-nothings.

I hestitated to throw them away all along because they are a part of my memories. But something got into me (most likely space constraints in my room) and I made the decision to toss at least 2 NTUC-bagful of letters away. I may clear even more when I have the time tomorrow.

But there will always be one stack that I will never throw.

Thank you Jeff.

You stand by your words all these years.

Back then, you were angry with me because I never gave you the chance that you need. I never went on dates with you, I didn’t want you to send me to school and I couldn’t be bothered to chat with you on the phone. I hated you for drawing pictures of me in class which got both of us badly embarrassed by the teacher and classmates. I hated you for announcing this ‘love’ everyone. Why couldn’t you keep your mouth shut?

You told me in the letters time and time again to not treat you as someone who loves, but as someone who cares. And you said that you will always be available whenever I need you. And you meant it, even till today. I could treat you like shit for all I care, but you never once left me alone when I needed a shoulder to lean on.

A few months back, I was getting very upset because I realise I don’t have much true friends. Girls have problems making friends with me and guys around me often cross the platonic line and then start distancing themselves from me after I send them the most subtle rejection signals. I was really sick of all these 烂桃花 and I wondered what had I done to deserve all these. You came down in the middle of the night to console me and then subsequently sent me a sms that said “x years ago, you made the decision for us to stay as friends forever. I took it hard as well. But now we are both reaping the seeds of your decision. See how far we have gone? I’ll always be there for you, and I know you will too.”

I was touched, but at the same time filled of guilt. Will I always be there for you? I doubted my sincerity. Our interests are so different! Even Mel was saying how weird a friendship I had with you because we had NOTHING in common at all. She said that’s real friendship because we are always there for each other with clearly no motive. Not even the desire for companionship. I don’t know if it’s true. But well, I’m learning to appreciate you more and more even when I still cannot understand your love for magic cards, comics and those noisy rock songs at OUR age.

Those letters really traced the past x years that we have known each other. And those are the ones that I will never throw away. Thanks Jeff, for staying true to your words all these years.

Thank you so much for your letters.