Love is a strange thing that I cannot really grasped. When people say that “I have a crush on someone”, does that mean that subsequently the person whom you have a liking on will crush you badly?
At 12, I had crushes on bespectacled nerdy boys and would find time to hang out with them, be it to complete homework together or to exchange hand-written letters. I was just happy to see my crush every day and strangely enjoyed the process of being involved in childish school “rumours” about who was dating who.
By 16, I was into the phase of getting together with someone and then breaking up, getting together and breaking up all over again. ‘Patched’ was the infamous word. “Yeah, I’ve patched with him. AGAIN.” There wasn’t the notion of “working-things-out”, but more of “if-i-can’t-get-what-I-want-then-we’ll-breakup.” There were also the dramatic happenings of cheating, flirting and plenty of quarrels that did not make sense. I defined that as love after watching too much soapy dramas. Boyfriend material at this point was strictly about having a trophy – good looks and, maybe, money. I thought with my brains, character and maybe appearance, I should be given whatever I want. How snobbish. I said “I love you” because I thought it was only right to. I never felt that in my heart.
By 21, I kinda realised that sex is a major component in my life. Hence I added another dimension into my screening of guys. I shunned away when innocent guy friends hinted to me that they did not have any sexual experience – after all, I hate to be fiddled like a new (complicated) toy that came without a manual guide. I have no patience when it comes to training a man. I broke up with guys who couldn’t perform. I didn’t even bother giving chances. Their ego and their ‘love’ were meaningless to me.
By now, age 27, I know very well what I want in a relationship. I have enough of fun. As playful as I can be, I think I have seen enough. I want a guy who’s mature. Materialism slipped away, as rightfully as it should be. I don’t need his money, neither do I need his car, apartment or career. I can earn my own keeps anyway. I look for a guy to protect me and shield me from other situations in life. But if that is even too much to ask for, I just want him to not hurt me. How difficult can that be?
Very.
The fact that a man has 2 heads makes things very difficult. You don’t know which one to trust.
Today, I pride myself for being extremely rational in love. When mistakes are made, I do not issue a death penalty immediately. I have always recognized that any error committed is not induced single-handedly. I wrote this blog post previously, Who’s the Slut?, during a period when I was trying so hard to get back on my feet. Looking back, I salute my efforts to rationalize betrayals – or maybe, it’s my way of finding excuses to reduce that piercing feeling in my heart. I don’t want to scrape my knees because of a guy.
I believe a couple is meant to work things out together – no matter what happen. Differences are bound to be existent, and as cliché as it sounds, what don’t kill us probably get us stronger. These are my heartfelt advice to personal friends whenever they come to me in tears. “If you really love him, talk things out. Stop being emotional. Use your brains and think.” I would say. I hate the idea of giving up a relationship. We ain’t kids anymore. There must be reasons why we stepped into one to begin with. Don’t forget that.
In reality, I hardly comment much on my relationship with any of my friends, readers, or even in this blog. I believe in privacy and fairness - how will you feel if your partner share with his friends every time there is a quarrel between the two of you? In addition, I know how bias stories can get. Everyone wants to paint a good picture of himself/herself. Hardly anyone will admit their flaws in front of others. It’s too easy to victimize the other party. So I have always kept quiet in front of others.
Throughout the years, I’ve also learnt not to hold any expectations. In fact, I have mastered it so well that nothing really bothers me too much. I am even afraid of requesting for things to go my way. It always seem wrong. I will impose on others. What right do I have to do that? To assert my belief, I even went on to apply the principle to friendship. If we are happy, we hang out. If not, we’ll just bid farewell. All’s good during this numbed period that lasted for quite a few years. However a fear has always lingered somewhere in me. I knew nothing is really solved, for it is just a meek way for me to be… yeah… meek.
Very recently, a friend said to me, “That can’t be the case. If you don’t even have expectations, what will the friendship be based on?” Normally quick-witted, I was caught dumbfounded for a moment. It rings at me every now and then, and I wonder, why didn’t I have an answer? Do I really have no rights? I am a human being after all, ain’t I?
I don’t like getting upset – it crushes me too much. It doesn’t help that I’ve learnt to not be vocal about it. Faking a smile is easier than faking an orgasm. However if you ask me, I rather fake the latter. I hate the moments when tears roll down my cheeks and the only thing I can do is to stand in front of the mirror, give myself a smile and then laugh for being that silly (I’m not sure if it’s for being upset, or for smiling to myself in front of the God-damn mirror). I hate having to be stronger than I really am.
Obviously I’m rambling right now. My thoughts are all over the place. This makes one of the least structured post that I have ever written. I don’t even know what message I am trying to send.
It’s a weird period. I’m alright – yet not so. Something’s amiss but as articulate as I can get, I can’t pinpoint. Forgive me for not being to give a proper update on what had happened. I’m alright, I’m alright and I’m alright. I’m moving on.
To follow through and conclude with a really random statement, I hate writing emotional posts like this, because I believe, it’s so not me.
