The Dandy Gal

I was sitting by my computer when a thought suddenly struck me.

How did man and woman first make love?

I am referring to the very first pair of man and woman. (Just in case you are wondering, I’m leaving dear Adam and Eve out of the picture – God can read.) How did they know that he should insert his penis into her vagina? What made them feel that it was safe to do so and that she wasn’t going to die if he stuck something of his into her body?

Analogy: Imagine me telling you that I’m going to push my finger into your nostrils, all the way up, until… I don’t know where. If you ask me why, I’ll say I’m just trying to see if either of us will feel good. Or something like that. You wouldn’t agree, would you? So how and why did they do it?

I named the first pair of man and woman as Tarzan and Jane, since it seems to me that they should be living in that kind of era. You know, rocks, jungles, rivers, dinosaur bones lying around and then making friends with lions, giraffe and birds (say Madagascar!).

Well anyway, I think this is how everything started…

It was a bright and sunny day when Tarzan headed out to hunt for his food. Instead of the usual four-legged creatures that he had captured, Tarzan found Jane lying unconscious on the forest ground. The petite lady had tripped over some traps that Tarzan had set up for his prey. Called it fate or pure bad luck, the woman had fallen for the man (literally).

Tarzan was shocked by the similarity. All along, he (and his huge ego) had thought that he was the only one in the whole world. That being said, Tarzan could not help but notice some major differences between their body structures. So he proceeded to undress her (i.e. removing random but yet strategically placed leaves on her body), all in the name of curosity.

*Note: she may be partially/fully naked. At this point in time, I’m still not too sure if there’s a need to dress yourself up if you have been the only one of a kind around.

“Why does she have bigger lumps in front of her chest? Oh my god, They feel so soft in my big hands!” He licked her breasts excitedly, not realizing that Jane was slowly regaining her consciousness.

His hand moved downwards, trying to make further sense of the curvaceous body laying in front of him. “Why doesn’t she have the long thing that I have? Or is it hidden somewhere?” He sniffed around and spread her legs apart, trying to find a similar looking piece of meat inside that thick and hairy bush.

There was none.

Instead, what Tarzan saw was something really different. He couldn’t put a word to it. Neither could he explain his excitement. The only thing he knew was that, strangely, he couldn’t keep his eyes and hands off that area. So to figure out the mystery, Tarzan did what he knew best next. His tongue tasted Jane’s private area while his fingers continued to roam all over her body, not knowing that he was, in fact, teasing Jane mercilessly.

While all these were going on, Tarzan realised his dick had gotten harder and longer. “Is that mine??? Wait… what’s happening?” He wondered. He gave himself a good rub, hoping to calm his stick down, but instead it seemed to stay up even stronger. (Note: that’s probably when masturbation was first discovered.)

Almost at the same time, some body fluid was dripping from Jane’s lower body and the sight did not escape Tarzan’s sharp eyes. Years of hunting skills that he had gained, they didn’t go to waste after all. His finger followed the traces of liquid, eventually leading him to a warm moist hole. Instinctively, as a man of that era, he stuck his finger in with much force.

“Ommpphh!!!” Jane was jolted awake.

Wait… was that a groan or a moan? Tarzan had his first experience of not understanding what a woman wanted. Afraid that she would start attacking him, Tarzan whipped out his new-found weapon and inserted himself into her body. (Of course, this was after sensing that it was safe to do so. After all, his finger came out safe, sound and wet.)

He thrusted with all his might, taking her gasps and moans to stop as signs of over-powering his prey. Yes, he was getting there soon. Victory had never felt so good before.

“Why can’t you listen to me?” That (in)famous statement by a woman was first heard. If she had the chance to speak her piece, Jane would say, “You are so rough! If you go any harder, your dick will be jutting out of my belly. Why can’t you be gentler and where the hell is my foreplay?”.

To shut her up, Tarzan shot his load into her mouth. Ok, that’s too far of a digress. Maybe Tarzan did that because… hmmm… they didn’t want to waste food (?!?). Anyway, after the orgasm, Tarzan ran off and wept silently in a secluded corner. He didn’t quite understand what had just happened. He knew he felt really good. In fact, he finally felt like a real man! That was all that mattered. At that special moment, Tarzan found a new meaning to live for. Life was no longer merely about throwing spears and stones at other beasts. Hurray!

Tarzan made a firm and fast decision that an orgasm was well-worth any effort. Thereafter, he fucked Jane whenever he can (regardless of Jane’s sexual mood), until they had enough babies to start a human population. He also figured that while he used to not have any choice (since Jane was the only woman back then), he now had many ladies to choose from. (Am I stirring thoughts of incest right now? I don’t mean it, I swear.) In addition, he realised breasts came in a variety of sizes and shapes. So did vaginas and waistlines. It was the concept of “having options” and he secretly made a vow to educate all his male descendants on the idea. (How evil.)

On the other hand, Jane didn’t mind the intensity of sex. That very first time of sexual intercourse, she felt an unfamiliar but great feeling. However, she couldn’t really make anything out of it, probably because… well…. Tarzan was a virgin and so he came too fast. Furthermore, there were subsequent times when she didn’t know he had started and… ended. Sexual frustration was built up and Jane jumped at any single chances of getting satisfied.  Soon after, she realised she had given birth to one child after another, all for the sake of trying her luck for reaching orgasm once again, or maybe, for the first time. (How sad. Aw.)

Before the technology for birth control methods was developed, Jane and other ladies soon invented dildos. In that way, the ladies did not have to keep getting pregnant simply because they wanted to be fucked. More importantly, they no longer had to rely solely on men who were real dickheads (pun definitely intended).

That is it – my version of the history of sex. I bet you didn’t know human population could have such a sexy story behind it, ya?